Molded

When I was a student
I grasped the grass,
observed all the slow steps,
holding slides to the sunlight.
I was an explorer in the Congo
and the jungle was breathing,
but as time passed, creepers
atrophied to ashes
roots became foundations;
grasping tree trunks
my nails broke on concrete

The Last Time

The last time I spoke with Harry McBride was really only half a conversation. The lesson he gave was meant for her, but I was the only one listening, so I was the one who received it. 

The root chakra, at the base of the spine, is a primal life force. Next is the sacral chakra which many people equate with sexuality, although it has more to do with creativity. 
  Harry paused his explanation to show his diagram, sketched quickly on the back of a flier, to the object of his affection. She stopped briefly for a quick look on her way to refill the coffee machine with water. He continued.
The chakra around the solar plexus is very important and then going higher, we have the heart and throat chakras. At the very top is the third eye and the crown chakra, both related to functions of higher consciousness.
Not caring that I was second choice, I snatched up the crumbs. “I think Carlos Castenada must have written about a chakra at the solar plexus because when he goes into dream time he ends up with this weird sort of extra spirit arm that comes out of his stomach and attaches to things in the world around him.”
Harry paused, trying to remember, that sounds likely…
“So what do these do, how can they help you?” 
  He looked up with a forlorn tinge to his eye. Well I suppose you can focus on the chakras with specific yoga exercises or meditations, but I just know the basics, no practical applications.
Harry turned to gain her attention one last time as she dashed by with a carafe. His half wave didn’t even pause her work routine for half a second.
“If not chakras then what do you rely on?” 
  I was always partial to the spirit guide, but, of course, sometimes the only advice they can give you is to jump off a cliff. He ejected a raspy cough and a wry smile. 
My library is still filled with Harry’s books: a biography of Madame Blavatsky, a reference book of Celtic Gods and Goddesses, and a bushel of Charles De Lint novels. He’d filled everyone at the coffee shop with books on everything from the 19th century occult, to ancient Egyptians and hallucinogenic rituals. He was a desperate teacher, distributing lessons at an astonishing rate before the inevitable.
Six months before he stopped coming to the coffee shop, he appeared, wraithlike, at a workmate gathering at the bar down the street. 
She sat up rigidly, “what is he doing here?” she whispered not too covertly. 
Another co-worker and I stayed to chat with him while the rest of the group migrated away from the table. He only drank guinness.
“Do you regret any of it?” I asked him once.
  What, joining the navy, going to war? He smiled. No, that’s what needed to happen, and it did get me out of Pennsylvania. 
Everyday at about 3 PM he would leave the coffee shop for the little Eritrean market two buildings down and buy a cheesecake. Then he would smoke a hand-rolled cigarette and sit down to his afternoon snack, backpack placed carefully beside his seat.
  When I got out of the navy I was offered a job in the tech industry. If I’d taken it, I’d probably be much more wealthy. Choking laughter. But I made a decision then that I wanted to have an outdoor life.
This assertion was confirmed by an alpine-hiker look, a muted green hat that looked like a cross between a fedora and a fisherman’s cap, and khakis that hugged trim legs. Despite his looming expiration date he exuded virility. He who talked of third eyes, gnostic rituals, and the power of menstrual cycles. 
But he could only catch her full attention when she told him of her dreams.
After he was gone, I heard that his sister came to collect his scattered library. I wasn’t working at the coffee shop anymore. I kept his books.

Not Touching

last night i was up late. too late. when the morning came quickly, thoughts crowded like high school crushes. it’s been so long since i felt like that lightning…but i have been sharing my bed with someone who makes my vagina hot. The morning came too quickly and thoughts of guilt kept my shivers company. double titillation. double thoughts of double agents and my cunt must be hungrier than i thought. 

 

here i am, sharing your bed almost every night. two peas, used to the familiarity of rolling over next to the same log of human hair, skin, and excretions every night. i rolled next to mine for 5 years, you for 3. You sought marriage, i was afraid of it. but the same result came for both of us. we roll into our logged ruts. partners in kitchen cleaning. giving rides. i’ll be there for you, go to your doctors appointments, your court appearances, paying the cable. we eat together, clean together, pee together. There’s a comfort in there that is un-rut-like. I like it. Like leaning on a million year old boulder.

 

but is this how it should be? worried of returning to what felt like solitary slavery? but here, in this one, we can fuck for hours. but here, in this one, you hope to pee in as many butts as you have leg hairs. sometimes i think you want me for the gas i burn getting you from here to there. I will leave soon, oh don’t worry, i will be gone. and you will still be here. hoping for progeny with a lifestyle unfitting. i need to continue on. past this way station in the desert.

 

last night, i stayed up way too late. and when this morning came quickly i pressed send even faster so that he could see my smile behind my hand behind my tan-lined breasts. i looked at his manhood again. how exciting is the excitement of not touching. of the potential for touching. the thoughts of touching.  his promises of poetry and picture-taking make my thighs quiver. full of promises.

 

is forgetting this unforgettable way station a sin. perhaps judgement day is here. i judge myself with the tentative paw of a cautious kitty. you still make my vagina hot, but last night I stayed up way too late, not touching someone else. talking about not touching. smelling not touching. looking at photos of not touching. perhaps trying too hard is a sin. i can’t make you blush…although you send my cheeks flaming…and here i am blushing thinking of not touching.

Internet Isolation

I found an old friend today.
Through heavy haystacks of google
I sifted results–
too young,
too blond,
fat
wrong country
…but then:
“Best teacher eva”
“really funny but can be too smart, by far best Irish teacher”
“i tink she is a pain, she says wat she tinks!!”

I like to find stacks of friends
hidden amongst linkedIn, bebo and facebook
the most lucrative pages can be courtroom roll calls–
but sometimes Deans lists or academic journals.

the view from those stacks feels like a party
as though, if i had a birthday,
more than 3 people might show up.
That’s why—on cold nights
i’ve nestled up amongst those google haystacks,
keeping frostbitten limbs from turning
black and
stinking–
pretending has a certain pretense that can keep
you living one night longer.